Just a Little Faith Read online

  Pax opened her eyes and met his gaze. “It’s amazing isn’t it?”

  “What? The water?”

  “Yes. Its power. The unfathomable depths of the ocean, and the extreme distance it covers.” She spread her arms far apart. “The ocean reminds me so much of my Father in Heaven. He is all powerful and is unfathomable in His love. It reaches further than we can see. Being here is like being embraced in His loving arms.”

  He rose up on his knees beside her. “I envy you, you know. I envy your unfaltering faith. But I don’t understand it, Pax. You’ve seen what I’ve gone through these past few days…how sad my life is because my girls are gone. How could your loving Father do that? Can you tell me that? How is that love?” Furious, Sebastian jumped up off the blanket and strode a few feet toward the water.

  She remained on the blanket but spoke loud enough he could hear her over the waves. “You know I don’t have the answers, Bash. I can’t understand the reasons. I do know God tells me in His Word ‘My ways are not your ways and My thoughts are not your thoughts.’ No one said faith is easy. But you know what? If we truly got what we deserved in this life, we would all be so miserable. We are all terrible people, all of us. We don’t deserve this wonderful love He so richly bestowed on us. But He did love us. He gave us a wonderful gift of His Son and through Him we can have peace. This I am confident in. Your girls are so happy now we can’t even imagine it. The joy they must be experiencing cannot be explained by human words.”

  Spinning around to face her, he stalked toward the blanket, anger spewing from his mouth, arms flaying. “I guess that should make me happy, knowing my girls are happy? But it doesn’t, Pax. I am still sad and angry and I want to kill the kid who took their lives with my bare hands. He doesn’t realize what he stole from me.”

  “You’re right. He had no right to get behind the wheel of the car and drive. He had no right to cause the accident which took your girls. But that’s just it, Bash. God didn’t do it. Satan did. Do you think God encouraged that boy to drink? Do you think God told him ‘It’s okay…drive your car, nothing bad will happen. You’ve only had a couple of beers.’ God didn’t do all those things. Put the blame on who deserves it Bash, the devil.”

  Sebastian pivoted back to face the oncoming waves, then paused and took a deep breath. Maybe one day what Pax said would make sense. But today…today he just wanted to stop thinking. He just wanted to feel something besides this utter sadness.

  He turned suddenly and trudged toward her. “Bash… You’ve called me Bash more today than usual. Why?”

  Pax sat back in stunned silence. “I don’t know. I don’t even think I knew I said it.” Her face reflected her puzzlement. “Maybe because when I’ve called you Bash it was in lighthearted fun, and because I knew you liked it. Maybe because right now, more than ever, I want you to have something to smile about, even if it’s just in a silly name I call you.”

  Kneeling down in front of her, he reached out to caress her cheek. “I love that you call me Bash, and thank you for trying to make me smile.”

  Slowly he inched forward placing his lips gently on her cheek. He lingered waiting to see her reaction and when she didn’t back away, he feathered kisses across her mouth, his hands running through her hair. Oh, how he wanted to lay her down and show her how much he appreciated her. He wanted more than anything to replace this feeling of despair with something more tangible like the feel of Pax’s hands on his skin. Yet he knew he couldn’t.

  Heeding the warnings that went off in his mind, he stood. “I’m sorry, Pax. I shouldn’t have done that. I got carried away. It won’t happen again.” He walked a few feet away.

  Initially greeted with only the sound of the waves crashing on the shore, he wondered if he’d angered her.

  He strained to hear her when she finally spoke. “I know, Bash. I let it happen, as well. I know we both desire something beyond this sadness we’ve been experiencing the past few days. But I think we both know this is not the answer.” He turned to face her. Her eyes remained cast down on the blanket.

  Returning to look at the expanse of waters once again, he struggled with how to respond. Sadness and bitterness filled his thoughts. “You’re going to leave me once we get back to the city aren’t you?”

  He refused to look at her, even when her sharp breath pierced his ears. “I don’t know, Bash. Part of me knows if we continue to see each other, it is only going to get harder to tell you ‘no’. While the other part of me knows it will be so difficult to not be with you, especially now, as you deal with all that has gone on. I know this sounds trite, but I’m just going to have to pray about it and figure out what seems best.”

  He heaved a deep sigh and walked toward her, stopping just short of the blanket. “It’s not trite, Pax. Knowing you’re praying about us and this situation means a lot to me, because I know praying means a lot to you.”

  He faced the ocean once again, as if the answers they were so desperate to find could be discovered in the depths of the waves.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Sunday morning, Paxson got ready in short order, so she had ample time to locate the church building on the other side of the city. From what she could gather from the GPS directions on her cell phone, it was a thirty-minute drive, if she didn’t get lost, which she knew could happen even with the use of a GPS.

  Lightly walking down the steps, she kept the noise to a minimum. She assumed Seb and his parents were still asleep after an exhausting few days. Looking along the table behind the sofa in the living room, she searched for the key to the Jeep Seb left for her. She frowned. It wasn’t there, and she knew she’d seen him leave it out for her the night before.

  The aroma of coffee brewing tingled her senses, then the sounds of cabinet doors opening startled her. Heading toward the kitchen, she turned the corner, when a robe-clad Margaret appeared before her unrolling the morning newspaper, while she pulled a chair out from the breakfast room table.

  “Good morning, Margaret!”

  “Good morning, Paxson. I wasn’t sure what time you needed to leave this morning, but I thought you might like some coffee and toast before you left.”

  Paxson glanced at the toast and an open jar of jelly on the counter.

  “How thoughtful of you. I would love a cup of coffee before I go.”

  Margaret stood grabbing a mug out of the cabinet. “Have you seen Seb this morning? I thought I heard him prowling around down here before I got the coffee started.”

  “No ma’am. This is my first venture down the stairs today. Perhaps he went out for a run. I know he has been looking for ways to try and clear his head.”

  “Yes. You’re probably right. He’ll come crawling in here in a little bit, dripping with perspiration and smelling like a wet dog.” She poured the coffee and put together a tray of sugar and other assorted sweeteners. “Did you sleep well last night?”

  Paxson sat at the small table off the kitchen. “I did, actually. I think getting fresh air yesterday helped me quite a bit.”

  “I know the salty air always does me well.” She brought over the cup of coffee and the tray and placed them on the table in front of Paxson, before taking the seat next to her.

  No one spoke; the only sounds were the clinking of the spoons against the mugs as they each doctored the coffee to their specific taste.

  Suddenly, Margaret patted Paxson’s hand. “I can’t thank you enough for all you have done for my son. I’m not sure he would have survived the past few days if it hadn’t been for you.”

  Touched by Margaret’s kind words Pax smiled. “Thank you, Margaret. I’m glad I could be here if you think it helped.” Looking down at the table, she gave a soft sigh. “I’m not sure what all Seb has told you. But the night he got the news about the girls, we had a…I don’t know what to call it…a disagreement of sorts. And I’m not sure what’s going to happen once we get back to St. Louis.”

  Margaret expelled a deep breath. “Well, Sebastian mentioned he didn’t
know what might happen with you two. I don’t how much you know about my son, since you have only known each other a couple of weeks, but for the most part, Sebastian likes to tell himself he doesn’t need anybody. I know his actions the past couple of days don’t reflect it, because he’s longed to keep you close by.”

  Margaret rubbed her thumb up and down her coffee mug. “His divorce hurt him more than I think he realizes. He loved Melissa in the beginning, and I think he still cared for her at her death. But he was destroyed when he found out she was seeing someone else while he was off playing in the minor leagues. I admit he didn’t react the way he should. I believe he felt the best way to get back at her was to do the same thing. He dated several girls, if you want to call it that, during the breakdown of their marriage. It wasn’t long before Melissa left him to be with Rick. Sebastian knew he couldn’t fight for custody with his being on the road all the time, so he had to deal with seeing his daughters on a sporadic basis. I guess you noticed the tension between him and Rick. Sebastian didn’t deal well with being the ‘other dad’ in his girls’ lives.”

  Margaret turned to look out the window towards the pool in the backyard. “One might think he should have worked harder on his marriage and given up baseball, but I think in Sebastian’s mind, baseball is the only thing he can truly count on. He learned he couldn’t rely on his wife, so he devoted himself to the game and decided women were just there to have fun with, so to speak.”

  She turned to face Pax again and gripped the young girl’s hand in her own. “I understand why you feel like you do. You have every right to be concerned about Sebastian’s intentions. But I ask you to think hard before you give up on my son. I always felt it would take the right girl to make him realize he could be happy in a marriage.”

  Pax’s eyes widened at the statement.

  “Now, I’m not suggesting you all go and get married next week. But if you feel in your heart you can be patient and see what happens, I believe you, too, will be happy.”

  Paxson didn’t quite know what to say. She was surprised by Margaret’s openness. “I appreciate your honesty, Margaret. I can assure you I will take what you said seriously. I have, and am still discovering many wonderful qualities Sebastian possesses. My decision won’t come without much thought and prayer.”

  “It’s all I can ask for. Give him some time, dear. He might just surprise you.”

  The sound of the front door slamming caused them to divert their attention to the living room. Sebastian entered but, much to their surprise, he was not dripping with sweat or even slightly out of breath. Dressed in a pair of khakis and a long sleeve button-down white shirt, he carried a necktie in his hands.

  “Son, where’ve you been? We thought you might be out running.”

  “No, I put the top back on the Jeep.”

  Pax nodded in his direction. “You look nice. Do you have something to do today?”

  “Well, I thought I might drive and go to church with you this morning, if it’s okay. Do I have to wear a tie though?” He held it up.

  Pax’s mouth dropped in surprise.

  “See…” Margaret brought her mug to her mouth, whispering under her breath, “I told you he might surprise you.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  Assuming Paxson needed to process what happened between their beach visit and his sudden decision that morning, Seb noticed their drive to the church building happened in relative silence. Knowing her curiosity must be at its peak, Seb appreciated her decision to refrain from playing “Twenty Questions” with him. Making this decision still didn’t mean he fully believed in God.

  Actually, his decision to go with her took him by surprise, as well. After their conversation on the beach yesterday, he had stayed up most of the night considering what she said. Before he could make a judgment call about Pax’s faith, he needed to check it out for himself. Going with her to church this morning seemed like a good way to do it. Attending a church where she wasn’t a regular member felt easier, too. There, perhaps he would have some sort of anonymity.

  Driving into the parking lot, Seb noticed the simplicity of the structure. He assumed it would be a large cathedral or massive building with ornate décor, not a small white wooden building situated in a gravel parking lot.

  Opening the car door for Pax, Seb noticed the parking lot filled with people milling around. Nerves caused him to take Pax by the hand. She squeezed his hand in return. An older gentleman stood at the door saying hello to each person entering. Seeing Pax and Seb he extended his hand, a bright smile on his face. “Good morning! Welcome to the Church at 44th Street. We are certainly glad you decided to join us today. My name is Donald Farmer and I’m one of the elders here.”

  The old man’s pleasant nature rubbed off on Seb, and he couldn’t help but smile while letting Pax handle the introductions.

  “Good morning Mr. Farmer. I’m Paxson Taylor, and this is my friend, Sebastian Quinn. We appreciate the warm welcome.”

  At the mention of Sebastian’s name, Mr. Farmer took Seb’s hand into both of his. “We were certainly sorry to hear about your loss. Your family has been in our prayers. It is never easy to lose one child, much less two. We know your burden is heavy right now. Let us know if we can be of any assistance to you or your family in any way.”

  Taken aback, Seb’s heart softened. He knew he could never truly be anonymous, especially in his home town, but he also didn’t expect kind and caring words from a complete stranger. Comforted and unsettled at the same time, Seb responded with a slight nod of his head.

  Pax started down the aisle, but he tugged on her arm and gestured to the back row. With a smile, she followed him, and they sat near the aisle.

  Seb couldn’t remember the last time he’d been in a church building for an actual worship service. He’d attended a few weddings over the years, but to come for the intent of worshipping God, well, it had been a while.

  The service both intrigued him and left him feeling daunted. The teachings in the Bible class and from the pulpit were so foreign to Sebastian, it was all he could do to try and understand even a little bit of what they said. Although he periodically felt out of place, he loved hearing Paxson sing. He kept his mouth closed; her beautiful voice filled his ears and warmed his heart during the periods of congregational singing.

  The service over, people continued sitting around them, the demeanors warm and friendly but not nosy or imposing. It seemed they didn’t treat him any differently than the other visitors who were in attendance. Except for the quiet words of the man who initially greeted them at the door, no one else seemed to know, or at least didn’t make a big deal about a “celebrity” being in their midst.

  Paxson seemed more comfortable than ever. The lilt of her voice, the brightness of her eyes demonstrated her love of being with a church group. Speaking to everyone who introduced themselves, she talked with them as if she had known them all her life. Glad she felt so at ease, Seb enjoyed watching her interact with everyone.

  Walking toward the car, Sebastian leaned over to whisper in her ear. “You seem happy.”

  “It is always a good day when I can be with my family in Christ.”

  The friendliness of the people had given him a brief moment of respite from his overwhelming grief. Although it didn’t change anything, the decision to go had been good for him.

  Once they were both settled in the car, he paused before putting the key in the ignition. “Are you hungry for lunch right away? There are several restaurants around here.”

  “I wish I could, but if it’s okay with you, I better get back to the house and get packed. I have an early flight in the morning.”

  Reaching for her hand, he lightly rubbed her palm. “I remember. I wish I didn’t have to stay behind to work on details of the estate. Spending time with Rick is not something I’m looking forward to. I’ll miss having you here.”

  The thought of Paxson not being there made his heart drop…Sebastian didn’t want to dwell on it.

&n
bsp; ****

  Upon their arrival at Seb’s house, Pax wandered into the kitchen expecting to see Alex and Margaret.

  “I wonder where your folks are.”

  Seb paused at a piece of paper he found on the kitchen counter. “Well, here’s your answer.” He picked up the note. “Sebastian and Pax, Gone to enjoy the salty air. Be back before 5:00.”

  “Well, that solves the problem of wondering what they might like for lunch. I’ll run upstairs and get changed and be back down shortly.”

  Pax quickly changed clothes and returned to the kitchen to make sandwiches with some of the food his parents brought back from Rick’s. Seb changed too, and entered to help Paxson finish the preparations for lunch.

  After seating herself at the bar in the kitchen, Pax bowed her head in prayer. Bringing the sandwich to her mouth she felt Seb’s eyes on her. “Is something wrong?”

  He glanced away and rubbed his hand over his chin. Turning back toward her he sighed.“No. I guess… Well, are you going to ask me about what happened this morning?”

  “I figured you would tell me about it when you were ready, Bash. I didn’t want to put any pressure on you. I’ll admit, I am curious.”

  Seb leaned back in his chair and took a deep breath. “I guess I couldn’t go around judging God when I didn’t know anything about Him. I figured maybe going to church with you would help me get to know Him better.”

  “And, what do you think?”

  “I thought the people were nice. They didn’t make me feel uncomfortable, and for that I was glad. As for the service, I felt a bit lost at times. But I know it comes from not understanding everything.” He paused, a slight grin tugging at the corner of his mouth. “I did love hearing you sing though.”